I know 2016 has not been the most wonderful year for any of us.. but in attempt to end on a good note I thought what can I do to change the pattern of December. Of course the counselor side of me took over and I began to think about where my stress and anxiety was derived from.
After making a list of external and internal triggers (I'll explain these more further down) I realized "Holy shit most of my stress is coming from the people I surround myself with... what do I do...". Thus my answer to this and theme for this month; setting boundaries.
Do I even need to set boundaries??
The beginning steps of setting boundaries are recognizing you need to set them. Like many other things this comes with self-reflection and insight. How I did this was to break down what was triggering my stress and anxiety by internal factors and external factors.
Internal triggers are the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that you manifest. An example for me would be overthinking a conversation. By overthinking I was triggering my anxiety. Another example is I have a tendency to overwork myself. When I put to many things on my plate I become stressed out over daily tasks I need to do; work, clean, grocery shop, the every day stuff which should not be stressful.
External triggers are things which happen in our environments. Examples for these are stressful situations at work, family drama, endless to do lists. For me personally external triggers for stress and anxiety are relationships at work, finishing school work for the semester, and my 45 minute commute I have been driving.
External triggers were more prevalent for me which I why I decided to do external work in the form of setting boundaries. Of course I have been doing some internal work as well, such as continuing to practice mindfulness and making time for me.
Now time for the nitty gritty of boundary setting.
The magic of Boundary setting
I will start from the top. Boundary setting by definition is pretty simple. Recognize your thoughts, feelings, and emotions about people or places. Convey your thoughts, feelings, and emotions to yourself or the person you would like to set a boundary. Then talk about your expectations and how you would like to alleviate negative emotions and foster positive ones. Easy peasy when you list it out like that...haha. The process of boundary setting can be simple in some situations and difficult in others.
When you are ready to have a conversation about boundaries take the time to write down ideas or thoughts you would like to say during the conversation, especially if you think it would be a stressful one. Sometimes just having a reminder will keep you and the conversation on track.
Again, not all boundary setting conversations are negative. For example, if a friend keeps asking you to spend time together, but you know that will be stressful for you, set a boundary by conveying to them how this is a stressful time for you. Maybe remind them you would love to get together after the holidays or talk on the phone. The main point is informing the other person of your thoughts and feelings to cultivate a positive experience. I can not say it enough times!
However, you have to be prepared for boundary conversations to not go in a positive direction. For example, I felt I needed to set boundaries with my boss to preserve a healthier relationship with her. While I made active efforts to personally do that, when we had a conversation about it, the conversation did not go as planned and left me feeling down. However, I need to recognize I can continue to set boundaries on my terms and preserve those boundaries though the things I choose to discuss with her or the actions I do at work.
Boundaries can be sticky, but again just convey your thoughts, feelings, and the expectations you have for that person! Remember at the end you are still in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Happy Holidays!
-Sarah
No comments :
Post a Comment